Top House Rabbit Professionals

0. Interior decorating consultant
1. Basket dismantler
2. Goodwill ambassador
3. In-home therapist
4. Furniture cleaner (well, chair and wall licker)

Bunny Nicknames and Insults

"FleaFactory"/"Sneezemonger"

for the scratch and sniff set

"Drumsticks"

an ironic name for sizable rear gams

"You Wascally Wodent!"

since rabbits haven't been scientifically classified as rodents for years, a true insult

"Eraserhead"

for when someone jumps up on the desk in the middle of the night and snips the correcting end off all your pencils

"Houseshoe"

another name for those who assume the meatloaf position

"Spud Bunny"

for the rabbit who likes to watch TV on the couch, or one who steals potatoes (a dietary no-no)

"Plum Bunny"

one who snatches plums from lunch sacks left at the base of the stairs

"Dust Bunny"

for the one who watches TV from under the couch

"The Bunster" or "Bunmeister"

for the Saturday Night Live hip

"Carrot-Breath" / "Alfalfatosis" / "Pretzel-Mouth"

"Luckyfeet"

what could bring better luck than four rabbit's feet still attached to the rabbit?

"Thunder Rabbit"

for thebunny who likes to enter a room at a gallop

Handy Verbs

"R'ed" [pronounced "arrred"]

describes something that's obviously been thoroughly tasted or investigated by a rabbit (ie, bookbindings, brief cases, tax receipts)

"Dumpling"

to do the roll-over-plop

"Flea Hunting"

what a bunny does when s/he plays in the grass

Top 10 Rabbit Sounds

10. The scoot and shuffle of a litterbox being moved from here to over there

9. Shriek of "Argh!" by human roommate on discovering that the fresh cut flowers are now only a vase full of stems

8. "Crash-boom-bang" from landsliding books, papers and pens while investigating the top of the desk

7. Nasal grunt, accompanied by flailing fore paws, when being impolite to guests

6. Lips smacking bananas

5. Snort of disgust on being offered a zucchini snack

4. "Tooth purring"--the grind of contentment

3. Silence on the phone line because the cord has been chomped again

2. Toenails that go "click-click" on the linoleum

And the number 1 sound produced by rabbits:

The "clackety-clack-clack" of the water bottle at three o'clock in the morning

Illustration by Sherrie Sinclair